The Noel Edmonds Creed (a found poem)

I, as a follower of Noel Edmonds, believe all that Noel Edmonds believes.

I believe that disease is caused by negative energy.

I believe that death is just a word in the dictionary.

I believe that the most appropriate word is ‘departure’ because we are energy and you can’t create or destroy energy, you can only change its form.

I believe that we are surrounded by electro mist, fog and smog.

I believe that we are covering ourselves in the wrong sorts of electro-magnetism.

I believe that the biggest problem we have is not Ebola, it’s not Aids, it’s electro smog.

I believe that the Wi-Fi and all of the systems that we are introducing into our lives are destroying our own natural electro-magnetic fields. All you are is energy, remember that.

I believe that renewing the BBC’s charter would be an act as futile as giving medicine to a corpse.

I believe in Orbs. Orbs are little bundles of positive energy and they think they can move between 500 and 1,000 miles per hour.

I believe that there are two orbs that visit me. The two that I have are about the size of melons. One sits on my arm and the other is usually in the back of the shot, sitting just over my right shoulder.

I believe that you don’t live life, life lives you.

I believe that I wrote a wishlist of ambitions to the cosmos and, like a mail-order company, it delivered my wife, who was working as a make-up artist on Deal Or No Deal.

I believe that every single human being can achieve a perfect vibrational balance between their positive and negative energy.

I believe it is possible to retune people.

I believe that Ant and Dec are excellent presenters. They’ve been honest, they’ve plundered the House Party archive and created Takeaway. I don’t have a problem with that. I take it as a compliment.

I believe that all these things have been known about for a very long time.

Amen.